Tonight, the wind blew around the camper, as if there was no tomorrow, so I hardly slept. It has shaken and clanked and at some point, after a number of unsuccessful attempts to fall asleep, a mother-worry arrived in my thoughts. For the tent in which my son slept could not withstand the strong wind. And then it was over with the very remote possibility to sleep this night.
When I arrive at such a point where my thoughts have completely taken control, I try mental and relaxation exercises. I try to inhale and exhale more consciously and slowly. Mostly I then mentally consult my two inner companions and ask for advice or an answer to a question I ask myself. These companions are like the invisible friends of children who give them faith and support. With the difference that I know they are inner companions and they do not exist tangibly in my outer world. 😉
The answers, however, are phenomenally appropriate and simple each time. They show me again and again that this is just a tangible way to my intuition and my inner wisdom. We all own them, I am convinced of that. But in our adult life we have mostly lost the ability to perceive and trust them.
But I digress …
Unfortunately I could not find my companions tonight.
So at some point I resigned and just hoped for the tent to be strong enough (after all, my son had not yet escaped to the camper van … so it could not be that bad, right?) and the night to be over quickly.
But it has been very protracted. I felt like I slept for an hour at the most.
Accordingly, I was exhausted this morning at the breakfast table. Most of all, I was frustrated. Today I have consciously planned time for myself and for writing. But at that moment I did not feel able to even put one sentence on the paper. My boyfriend then just said, “Just write anyway!”.
And he was right
If I just start writing I develop the best ideas. But I had planned a topic … I wanted to write about something very specific. Well!
I have learned to let life flow only in the last months. Before that, I was a huge control freak. Unplanned things or deviations of a plan have unconsciously scared me and always let me freeze fast. At such moments, I simply did not move at all. Especially not mentally. The small, stubborn girl in me then took the lead and was hard to push off the pedestal again.
Since I was able to develop more confidence in life in general, the compulsion to control has given way and a certain spontaneity option appeared. I still do not feel completely relaxed about unplanned elements, but I can usually review the situation before I react automatically and the girl can become stronger again.
And in turn, I authorize myself to take my own behavior into my own hands. That’s a great feeling!
Due to the now often allowed spontaneity, great experiences are created! I do not want to miss these in my life anymore.
Like for example this holiday:
Actually, we wanted to stay home this summer. I had been looking forward to many relaxing days in the garden. I planted vegetables and just wanted to let me drift a bit. But two weeks ago, when my boyfriend suggested to just grab the camper and to head for Norway, to work on the road and to discover new worlds, I noticed I was hooked instantly.
And these are the moments when I am proud that I persevered. Despite all the bad times I had. That I have taken this path to myself in the first place and never turned around.
For a relaxed life, which is allowed to flow and to happen!
Photo: Ingo Ballmann