the art of living a conscious & creative life

And I´m still here

Although I’ve had no strength, no good look to the future and thus no hope anymore so many times. But I’m still here. And only that counts.

My life has given me an outwardly carefree childhood, but behind the walls some things happened that even I let go to the surface and thus into my consciousness only a few years ago. Then, however, the memories came with a force that I did not know how to cushion. It literally pulled the ground under my feet. Not that I could not have guessed. Since the age of 16, I have made every possible therapeutic effort to somehow understand and resolve my non-well-being. But as long as you repress experiences, you can only scratch the surface. Which provides temporary relief, but can quickly get you back to the original point.

I went on my way

My self-discovery journey began with participation in an Alpha Mind group that met regularly. We practiced a certain technique to get into the alpha state of the mind. There were, according to our trainer, changes in our subconscious possible.
At 16 years of age, I was by far the youngest in this group, but probably the most motivated. In retrospect I can say that for the first time I have experienced how sensitive I am and that there is so much more in this world than what we can grasp tangibly.

The experience there fascinated me so much that I set out to search for other methods that might help me feel better through their “intangibility”. I went into the deep jungle of esotericism, alternative medicine but also classical medicine.
There I spent some years, actually took a few steps further and fell for one or the other promise. I learned a lot about myself during that time. There are methods that absolutely could not help, some that I consider dangerous, but also those that are worth gold. And just as we billions of people are so different, there are just as many different approaches to inner healing. You only have to find the one that suits you.
It’s hard not to lose hope. To have a reason to keep going. Especially if you come back to a point that you thought you had already solved.
A good friend has given me the symbolism of the tree rings on the way.

We always come back to the same points, but as with the tree rings, we move ever further out. And thus forward.

It helped me a lot to understand and not to despair about the circles we draw.
I suppose that if I wouldn´t be a mother, my endurance would have given up much faster. But having the reason to be responsible and a role model for a person has given me the strength to persevere time and time again, to keep going, to find the positives in all the crap.

And now?

So I spent 22 years finding my way out of my incredibly exhausting life. And I really gave everything of me.
And only now can I claim to have achieved a certain stability, which lets me look carefree into the future. To be caring for my real self, not the numerous injuries I have experienced. These belong to me. I probably never let go. And they also make me the person I am. It has not only had negative effects growing up with this trauma. It has also developed a lot of good.
And I believe that this is the biggest difficulty in dealing with childhood traumas and negative experiences. We tend to fight them, wanting to live without them. We curse the people who did bad things to us, even if we know and understand the burden the perpetrators are carrying. I have always smiled at this theory, but it finally helped me to achieve my inner peace:

Accept that all the negative experiences belong to you and your life too. You do not have to love them idolatrously, no! But accept them as part of your self.

And then peace can come. Promised! 🙂

 

Foto: @gabrielj_photography - unsplash.com

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